Getting Back to Myself

I honestly don’t know what I am trying to say so please bare with me. This is my fifth time writing this post. Talking about these kinds of things can be hard and with this post I’d hope to normalize it. Mental health is important and shouldn’t be something you overlook like I have for most of my life. Most of my life has been pretty aimless, but it was five years ago that I decided I wanted to be a game designer. It took losing everything then to get my head where it needed to be, but then more life happened.

Fast forward a bit and I’ve put my dreams on hold to help my fiance through grad school. It was a simple decision because she has been my ride or die for most of my adult life. As of two months ago, she now has her masters and I can finally do game design full time, but the moment I didn’t have to focus on helping someone else and I stopped working my day job my mind decided to shift all its attention to the many traumas I’ve faced during my life that I’ve never even thought to resolve.

It reached a breaking point last month as major depression came over me. It’s a strange feeling being glued to your bed all day and not wanting to do a thing knowing damn well stuff needed to be done. Not eating despite your body telling you to. It’s no joke and I wouldn’t wish something like that on my worst enemy. Thanks to my fiance I wouldn’t be like that for long. I realized that only I was in control of myself and my own fate. My traumas are something I will have to deal with but they don’t define me nor do they make me less worthy.

Getting out of that funk was difficult and I don’t plan on going back. To that effect, I have started taking steps to ensure that won’t happen such as leaving social media and stop being concerned about whether I deserve to be a game designer. I realize I create to offset the destruction I’ve endured. It is what makes me happy and it doesn’t matter if no one thinks I can do it because I am anyway.

I apologize if I seemed all over the place with this post. It is just something I wanted to get off my chest. I am fine now and I am still working on Force Defender Operation. I also won’t be doing game jams or other similar events. I’ve always had fun with those events, but I feel I’ve hit a limit to my skills so I want to focus on something long term.  Not sure if that will be Force Defender, but I’m taking time to give it some thought. Anyway, the purpose of this post is simply take care of yourself before you wreck yourself. You are the only self you got. 

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